Push Away
by Kay the Cricketed
Summary: Erm....? It's ?/Koushiro, I guess. You tell ME who it is.... there's something of a voting contest here... WHO is this admirer of Izzy?! (It's Yaoi, folks, I can't see him with one of the females, sorry!) So read, and vote on WHO the mysterious guy is


Push Away  
  
By Kay  
  
Disclaimer: For Daisuke's sake, if I OWNED Digimon, I'd have had continuous Izzy episodes running all day long! Of COURSE I don't own it! ^_^ I just plan to...  
  
A/N: Hmm... Yaoi. From a certain someone to Izzy. ^_^ Of course! EVERYTHING I write involved Izzy! What ELSE could it be?!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They say you always hurt the ones you love.  
  
I always thought it was dumb- why would you hurt someone you love? It's impossible if you truly love someone. There's nothing you could do to make them unhappy, because you just wouldn't let it happen. It's a very messed up idea if you ask me.  
  
But that was before I saw the look on Koushiro's face yesterday.  
  
How could I be so idiotic?! Suddenly, my world is falling around me because his face is turned away, and the pained look on his face is killing me inside like someone's twisted a knife in my gut. The sky is shattered because he just refuses to look at me, and answers shortly every time I try to talk to him.  
  
Koushiro... please forgive me.  
  
I'm so sorry. I didn't realize, didn't even guess, that you would take it the way you did.  
  
I keep resisting this strong urge to go over to you, where you're sitting now in the camp firelight, your face washed in a red glow. Your eyes are so far away, your face pale still.   
  
Did I really hurt you so much?  
  
It hurts me to hurt you, you know. It hurts a heck of a lot. I just stare at you, unable to go over and beg forgiveness because I'm not so sure I deserve it. But I want to-- I wish you knew that-- I want too, so bad.  
  
Why do I always push the things I love away without meaning to?  
  
If you're really ignorant and haven't figured it out by now...  
  
I'm in love with the Digidestined of Knowledge.  
  
It's not so hard to believe. Or, well, maybe it is. I'm not the kind of person you'd think would fall in love with someone of the same gender, much less our resident computer expert. But I couldn't help it any more than I could help breathing.  
  
It just... happened.  
  
Sometimes I hate my life. I knew it was happening, tried to convince myself it wasn't. Tried ignoring him, until I realized I couldn't live without being near him somewhat. Tried to be casually uninterested in anything he did, until I came to find that every little thing he did amazed me for absolutely no reason. Tried to be cold to him, too, but damn, life's like that-- I couldn't stop myself from trying to make up for it. Fought with the basic instincts, so half the time I didn't say I was sorry as much as I would've liked to.  
  
This time, sorry won't be an option, will it Koushiro?  
  
I've done the worst possible thing I could do in my life-- hurt you. I didn't mean to. It's for your own good.  
  
You deserve so much better.   
  
One of the others, even, if you want, even though it would make me wince every time I saw you guys. Or if not one of them, someone else. I mean, the world won't end just because of what I told you, right?  
  
Well, the world won't end for you at least.  
  
I never said it didn't for me.  
  
You know, I'm such an idiot sometimes. I'd never admit it, but it's kinda hard to doubt it when you refuse to look at me in the eyes.  
  
You're ashamed. Embarrassed. Angry and hurt.  
  
I'm so sorry.  
  
But how can I live my life loving you, when I'm not so perfect? I'd end up leaving you. I'd end up causing you pain. I wanted to keep you away from that pain.  
  
Guess it's to late.  
  
You wouldn't really want me anyway. You just think you do. No matter how much I love you, I can't force you to go through that kind of pain! Don't you understand?!  
  
Your happiness means EVERYTHING. Your safety even more.  
  
I can't protect you from everything, but I can protect you from one thing: myself.  
  
It hurts me when you see it so differently.  
  
Can't you see?! I'd only hurt you, Koushiro-- I'd only fail you.  
  
I love you so much. And yet I would fail you.  
  
It's weird, all right. And it hurts my heart. But every bruise heals in time, so I hope someday yesterday's words will fade away, leaving no scar to mar your stubborn and resiliant spirit. You're curious nature and impossibly sweet side we rarely get so see. So, in this, I can protect you-- I can never let you down now.  
  
Right?  
  
I mean.. right?  
  
I know I'm right. I know it.  
  
I love you.  
  
When you told me how you felt-- felt the exact same thing I did, actually-- I thought I was dreaming. But I was still awake, and you were still looking at me nervously, blushing madly and looking at me with hopeful eyes.  
  
It broke my heart to lie.  
  
I told you I didn't love you. Couldn't think of you in that way.  
  
Damn lie. It was just a damn lie.  
  
I sigh, leaning against the tree and watching Koushiro's form bend over in the darkness to the glowing screen, his hands like lightening on the keys. Sometimes I really hate my life.  
  
I never meant to hurt you.  
  
But it's better this way.  
  
Right?  
  
Right...?  
  
Sometimes I wonder. What would have happened if I told you I felt the same way? If I'd poured out my heart for the first time, and kissed you? The thought makes me blush. It's something that's been in my dreams for a long time now.  
  
To bad dreams don't always come true. This is sure proof of that.  
  
I never ever meant to hurt you-- I only wanted to save you.  
  
In the end, I guess I won't know what would have happened. If love would have prevailed, or if I would have ended up hurting you even more.  
  
I guess I just push people away.  
  
Even the ones I love.  
  
You know what?  
  
It was easy before. But now...  
  
Pushing away is the hardest thing I've ever, ever done.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END- Okay... that SUCKED.. ::sighs:: WHERE has my writing talent gone?!?!?!  
  
Daisuke: You never HAD any!  
  
Kay: .... oh yeah! ^_^;; Hehehehehehehe... can YOU guess who it is?! Thaaaat's right, folks- I'm not gonna tell you! ::laughs evily:: It's a contest of sorts, I guess. It's up to YOU guys to tell me who you think it is. I think it's a mix of everyone, personally... so... I'll tally up the votes, and write a sequel in a little bit! Howzzat?! ^_^   
  
Daisuke: The question of the century- WHO is Izzy's admirer? Win a trip to Bermuda!  
  
Kay: ::blinks:: We're offering a prize?  
  
Daisuke: Ummm... a trip to Bermuda?  
  
Kay: I don't HAVE that kind of money, you idiot!  
  
Daisuke: Then what do we do for the people who all voted for the winner?  
  
Kay: ...? Nothing! They get the damn fic, that's what they get!  
  
Daisuke: Laaanguage.... :P I've got more duct tape, ya know!  
  
Kay: .... muses are EVIL.  
  
Daisuke: BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA!!!!  
  
Kay: ::sweatdrops:: You hang around me too much...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
